


Come On, Let's Make It Easy

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Confrontations, Fluff, Frottage, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Oral Sex, Overthinking, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-29 18:39:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12636876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: It wasn’t at all difficult to fall in love with Kyo.Kaoru had seen it happen countless times over the years to people he knew.And as many times as he’d seen it, one might think he’d be prepared for it to happen to him, that he might catch the signs early on, but no. By the time he realized he’d developed feelings for his bandmate, he was too far gone to come back from it...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all want some Kk? I'll give ya some Kk... *shakes fist*  
> Check it out, it's a whole li'l story. Love~

It wasn’t at all difficult to fall in love with Kyo.

It could be difficult to get close to him, sure, to get to know him well enough to get to that point, but then? Seeing him as human, how generous and funny and real he could be? From there it wasn’t hard at all.

Kaoru had seen it happen countless times over the years to people he knew. Over and over he’d watched friends and strangers alike get their hearts broken as they fell for Kyo, and as he (always so quietly, so gently) rejected them. 

As many times as he’d seen it, one might think he’d be prepared for it to happen to him, that he might catch the signs early on, but no. By the time he realized he’d developed feelings for his bandmate, he was too far gone to come back from it.

It felt entirely natural. It was the logical next step in their friendship that spanned decades. In fact, he almost felt guilty for taking this long to get to this point—that is, until he remembered his loving Kyo didn’t mean there would be any kind of reciprocation on Kyo’s part. Kaoru wasn’t totally sure how to deal with the acknowledgement that he would be patiently rejected like all the others. He didn’t want that sympathetic smile and those regretful eyes directed at him, never.

It was this line of thinking that quite sensibly led to Kaoru’s determination that Kyo could never find out about his feelings for him. It was for the best that way. Why fuck up a perfectly good friendship that had lasted this long with feelings that wouldn’t be returned anyway?

Kaoru was somewhere around here in his thought process when an alarm on his phone told him to stop working on the tracks he’d been messing with all day, and get ready to go home.

He’d reached this point before. He seemed to be constantly circling back to it, ever since he first realized just what Kyo meant to him. He could remember the moment at which it had clicked in his brain, that it was more than just the friendly bond between bandmates, even with the acceptance that such bonds were often deeper than a standard friendship. It had been such a small thing, really. It wasn’t something obvious, like snapping to while he watched him onstage, or hearing him express any number of beautiful things as he was wont to do… It was just a passing moment of Kaoru making a completely lame and unimportant joke, and Kyo snorting at it, giving him a look to inform him just how pathetic of a joke it was—but he was _smiling_ , and Kaoru realized he would give anything to be the one to make Kyo smile like that, to have the _privilege_ of making him smile again and again. He knew he wasn’t usually the one to get laughs out of Kyo, that he wasn’t seen as the funny one by most people, but if he could be worthy of a smile like that…

“Kaoru!”

Kaoru glanced up to find the man in question standing in front of him, and yes, Kyo was smiling, just in that soft, barely-there kind of way.

“What’s up, Kyo?” Kaoru went back to shuffling papers into his messenger bag.

“Did you get the chance to watch that movie I recommended yet?” And Kyo was always so direct, never beating around the bush with anything. It was something Kaoru really appreciated about him, except he wished he could drag conversations out longer, stall somehow so Kyo would keep talking to him about something, about anything.

“I’m fine, thanks, and yourself?” Kaoru said, perhaps more bitterly than he meant to, especially considering he hadn’t really meant to say it at all.

Kyo stared blankly at him for a second. “I’m sorry?”

“Forget it. No, I haven’t gotten around to it.”

“Don’t you ever take an evening for yourself?” Kyo asked, clearly displeased.

“Not often.”

“I’ve been telling you to watch it since before our last tour!”

“I know,” Kaoru said. He did know. he had been honestly kind of looking for excuses to not watch it, even when he did have free time. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to watch it. Kyo generally had pretty good taste in movies (some of them maybe a little scarier or more out there than Kaoru was into, sure), and he was moved that Kyo had thought of him enough to recommend it. That was so typical of him though. Kyo was always discovering things, new and old, and sharing them so freely and so readily. Even when he seemed like an antisocial, solitary kind of guy, he did seek connections with others through any and all means.

The trouble was, the last time he’d sat down and watched a movie Kyo had recommended, Kaoru hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. This hadn’t been a problem obviously before he’d gone and fallen in love with him, but now, the whole time he’d watched it he’d been wondering what scene, what moment had made Kyo think to tell him about it. Had Kyo really been sitting there, when he should have been invested in the drama and story of a good and gripping film, thinking about Kaoru instead?

It was a ridiculous detail to get hung up on, but by the end of the movie, Kaoru found he could hardly remember anything about it; he’d been stuck on thoughts of Kyo the entire time. When Kyo inevitably asked later what he’d thought of it, Kaoru had had to give a vague shrug of an answer, barely resisting the urge to let desperate questions tumble out of his mouth, asking why and when Kyo had thought to direct Kaoru to that movie specifically, and just how often was he thinking of him when they were apart? It had been a close call, and he didn’t want a repeat of that.

So he stalled. He was hoping somehow that his feelings for Kyo might calm down a little, that he’d get his head screwed back on how it _should_ be, and not need to obsess over his bandmate when he was trying to enjoy a good old slasher film.

Thus far, the feelings had not died down in the least. If anything, the most recent tour had only made his interest in Kyo more pronounced. It was bizarre but he’d had these moments of outright jealousy, watching Kyo dance around, smiling and laughing with Die while they were onstage. _Onstage_! A completely inopportune time to get jealous, particularly over things he had no right to be jealous over. He knew that, and he’d known it at the time too, but it didn’t keep him from having those feelings.

If he was honest with himself, it wasn’t even like Kyo was favoring Die’s side of the stage for his shenanigans. It would be fair if he was; Die was probably more likely than Kaoru to play along and respond appropriately, but still Kyo hadn’t ignored Kaoru or anything. He’d come over and danced around him, and it had been all Kaoru could do to keep from blushing at the attention. More than once, when Kyo had been trying to get past him to the edge of the stage, Kaoru had been so distracted focusing on _not_ focusing on Kyo, that he’d left him standing there patiently until Kaoru had to duck out the way in embarrassment. He’d half expected to hear about it later, to have a pissed off Kyo demanding that he pay more attention to where he parked his ass onstage, but if it had bothered Kyo he kept it to himself.

The other thing that the tour had made prominent was his desire for Kyo—as in straight-up lust. 

He wasn’t sure just how much Kyo knew he was doing it. He thought he _must_ know, to some degree, that he was attractive (how could he show off those abs so often and not know?), and that he had to be aware when in performance he was being so sexual that it was kind of hard to watch. What probably made him that much more appealing though, was how obviously Kyo just didn’t _care_. He was sexual because it was the mood of the music, not because he was seeking to turn people on. Everything he did with his body was part of his own self-expression, and even if he did know he was hot, he certainly wasn’t going to great lengths to be hot for anyone _else_ ’s pleasure.

That didn’t make it much easier to be around though; it just made Kaoru feel as though his responses to Kyo’s displays were inappropriate. It felt perverted and invasive to be so attracted to him when the show wasn’t really for him, or for anyone else. Even during downtime, Kaoru found himself averting his eyes as Kyo appeared so somehow erotic in his relaxed state. Maybe it was just nice to see him letting himself be comfortable.

So nice that Kaoru couldn’t stand to look at it?

Die had been so eager to tell Kyo and Kaoru both about an onsen he’d found that would allow them in even with their tattoos, and while the smile on Kyo’s face had made Kaoru’s heart turn directly inside out, he’d felt the need to make up some excuse to not join his bandmates when they went. The prospect of being naked around Kyo, when _he_ was naked and utterly basking in relaxation, was daunting and horrifying and Kaoru couldn’t put himself in that situation. Instead he had stayed at the hotel that night, stewing once more in his irrational jealousy, now over the idea of Kyo and Die enjoying the onsen together.

It was difficult for Kaoru to think about other things. Kyo was like a static fuzzing and distorting all his other thoughts, permeating them with quiet unease. Getting back from tour hadn’t cleared up any channels.

Kaoru suddenly noticed with a kind of dim horror that Kyo was _still_ standing in front of him, apparently waiting to leave until Kaoru had finished gathering his things. How long had he been there while Kaoru was spacing out??

“Do I need to come over and watch it with you, or what?” Kyo asked.

Kaoru stared at him, hands blindly zipping the last items into his bag.

“…the movie I recommended. That you still haven’t watched. That we were just talking about,” Kyo said, his eyebrows low on his face.

“Right,” Kaoru said. Wait, what? Kyo was trying to watch it _with_ him now? That didn’t seem like a good idea at all. “I’ll get to it, really. Sorry for zoning out on you there.”

“It’s fine,” Kyo said. “Not terribly unusual coming from you, I guess.” He was still looking at Kaoru strangely though.

Kaoru muttered out a last goodnight and thanked Kyo for his work for the day before sweeping past him and opting to take the stairs down to the ground floor so he could leave without running into anyone else. 

Kyo had just been kidding around, Kaoru reasoned. He didn’t invite any of the band to do things with him seriously, but it wasn’t an infrequent thing for him to make casual jokes like that.

Why, just the week before, Shinya had been trying to coax Kyo into coming to some gathering he was hosting, and Kyo had finally said, “Sure, fine, I’ll go if Leader goes,” and given Kaoru a cocky look, perfectly aware that Kaoru had no intention of attending either. Maybe there was a kind of safety to be found in brushing off invitations with humor.

The next day he was at it again.

Kyo showed up to their meeting with his Starbucks drink, and an extra coffee for Kaoru. It was something he’d been doing more and more often lately, and Kaoru couldn’t be anything but grateful, considering he rarely had time to stop somewhere on his way to work and Kyo knew his order well enough.

Kaoru could feel Kyo’s eyes on him as he took a sip of the coffee, and felt obligated to make conversation. He knew the unasked question hanging in the air was about whether he’d found time to watch that movie last night (he hadn’t), so he looked down at his drink as he lowered it and started in with, “Thanks for the coffee, I definitely needed it today.” Just for something more to say, he added, “I kind of wanted to try that new latte that’s been in the ad.”

He was surprised when he glanced back up to find Kyo scowling, though the expression softened into disinterest quickly.

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry, maybe next time you can come with me and make sure I get your order right,” Kyo said, and let out a soft huff of air.

Shit. Kaoru pursed his lips as he realized he’d said totally the wrong thing. He hadn’t meant to appear unappreciative; it was thoughtful of Kyo to bring coffee for the rest of the band, and Kaoru would still be amazed by his generosity if it was paper cups full of poorly brewed instant grounds from some gas station.

Before he could really set to backtracking, all embarrassment and awkward apologies, Kyo was sauntering off to take his seat at the table and it was time for the meeting to start.

Kaoru was distracted through the whole thing. Kyo was sitting across from him and didn’t make eye contact the entire time, generally looking down at the memo pad he was “taking notes” on (though from upside down at least it looked like mostly doodling). When Kyo did look up from his paper it was to glance at Die as he leaned over and whispered something to him, usually getting him to crack a smile, once or twice a stifled laugh.

And there was that damn jealousy again. 

It was absurd for Kaoru to feel jealous about Die. Even if he had had any claim to Kyo (which he most assuredly did not), he knew perfectly well there was nothing going on between him and Die. They were friendly and had known each other half their lives just like the rest of the band, but Kaoru was certain there was nothing more remarkable about their relationship.

Still, somehow, seeing Kyo smile like that, that honest smile, after Kaoru had gone and pissed him off earlier… Kaoru wanted to be the one making Kyo smile, and instead he got scowled at, and it was his own fault. It all came from his not knowing how to deal with his feelings. Bottling them up in this particular fashion didn’t seem to be working.

That didn’t mean Kaoru would stop bottling them up, or that he’d confess his love for Kyo to his face—no, absolutely not. He was still convinced that at the very least, Kyo never finding out was his best option. But he needed to talk to _someone_ , because honestly, his own brain wasn’t the best at doling out romantic advice. 

The trouble with that was that he didn’t really know who he could confide in. His first choice would be one of this friends _outside_ Dir en grey, someone with a little distance from the situation, but the whole community was so intertwined he had to worry that some big-mouthed gossip would find his plight to be a dreadfully entertaining topic to spread around. So then maybe it would be better to keep within the band after all.

But who would be there to hear him out?

Shinya was so hard to read, and tended to hold more loyalty for Kyo, so he might not be willing to keep things from him even if they were Kaoru’s personal feelings. Toshiya could be a bit of a loose cannon when it came to trusting him with sensitive information. The truth, Kaoru realized, was the person he’d most like to confide in was Kyo. He was always so dependable and willing to listen. Even if Kaoru didn’t always know exactly what was clicking through Kyo’s head, in the end he was one of the wisest and most honestly _helpful_ people he’d ever known.

In this case though, Kaoru couldn’t very well talk to Kyo about his romantic troubles when they revolved around Kyo himself. He’d have to be shady about it, cryptic in how he phrased things, and bringing that kind of dishonesty into it seemed like it would spoil the point—not to mention, Kyo might just see through him anyway; he had a way of doing that.

That just left Die. And sure, Kaoru and Die were friends, they’d never had any serious issues between them, but that same uncalled-for spark of jealousy made Kaoru afraid to open up about something so delicate. Maybe he could just… be a bit more vague about it, avoid naming names, solve his problems rather more indirectly.

Or he could just keep his mouth shut about the whole thing, and take his love for Kyo with him to his grave. That was probably the most workable option.

It wasn’t that he was itching to spill his heart out to Kyo or anything anyway. His opinion hadn’t changed as far as thinking it was better for Kyo to never find out; it was just that he was becoming more desperate for some way to work past these feelings. This had been going on too long now.

He had kind of expected Kyo to not talk to him for a few days after he’d so evidently offended him about the coffee. It wasn’t unusual for Kyo to hold grudges until someone earned their way back into his good graces. 

What he didn’t expect was for Kyo to show up the next day holding out a cup from Starbucks for him—that new latte from the ad that he had brought up so awkwardly. Kyo didn’t wait for him to stumble through his thank you/apology combination before saying, “So I’m leaving soon for that tour with sukekiyo.”

Kaoru was more than aware of this. He’d been looking forward to it almost as much as he’d been dreading being away from Kyo, just in the hopes that some distance would really help him pull himself together. He nodded.

“It’s always weird being away from you guys for something like that.”

Kaoru nodded again, a little uncertainly. “You’ll be great. You always are.”

Kyo made a face, but there was a smile half-hidden under the edge of it. “Just when I’m touring, it feels like you should be there with me, even now after I’ve been with sukekiyo a while.”

Kaoru thought he could understand that. It would definitely have felt strange to him to go through all the rigamarole of touring and not have the rest of Dir en grey along with him. “You’re always welcome to toss me a line if you find yourself just missing us too much,” he said, hoping it sounded like he was joking, even though he was basically serious.

“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks,” Kyo said with this unexpected softness in his eyes that Kaoru had to look away from. After a sip of his coffee, Kyo went on, “You guys start rehearsals while I’m gone, right?”

“Mmhmm.” Dir en grey’s next tour would be starting not long after Kyo got back from his shows with sukekiyo, so the rest of the band had planned to start preparing without him. Kaoru didn’t want to be rude and say he was looking forward to not having Kyo there as a distraction, so he didn’t say anything more.

“Got anything new you’re bringing in?” Kyo asked.

The question confused Kaoru. “New?”

“Music, I mean. Any new compositions you’re gonna bring in to work up in rehearsals with the rest of the band?”

Kaoru shrugged. “I guess I have a few things we could mess around with…”

“Good,” Kyo said.

“Why?”

“Your music just inspires me. I always look forward to working with more of it,” Kyo said easily.

“You don’t even pay attention to shit like who brings in new music,” Kaoru argued, and he hoped he wasn’t blushing the way he knew his body wanted to.

“I do when it’s you,” Kyo said. “I’ve written some of the lyrics I’m proudest of to go with your music.” And now Kyo looked… embarrassed? He looked down at his coffee. “I’ll be excited to see what you guys have when I get back.”

With that, Kyo turned away and went off to work on his own things, leaving Kaoru to stare after him for a few long moments, unsure what to make of what he’d said. Kyo didn’t pay attention to things like that, and the lyrics he came up with were brilliant no matter who brought in the original music. Was he just saying it to be nice? That seemed strange and out of character. Maybe he could tell how awkward and bad Kaoru had felt about what he’d said yesterday and been trying to… comfort him in his way. 

The thought had Kaoru frowning. He didn’t need to be coddled and reassured. When he did something stupid he should have to suffer for it as much as anyone else. Had he somehow let on his feelings for Kyo, and this was his way of starting to let him down easy? It disturbed Kaoru to think that Kyo would treat him differently based on how Kaoru felt about him. The only conclusion to really be drawn was that Kaoru needed to move on and get rid of these feelings for Kyo as soon as possible.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I owe Kaoru an apology for this fic.  
> Thank you all for being supportive and good, please continue to enjoy <3

In the days leading up to Kyo’s departure, Kaoru did his best to avoid him, hoping a lack of direct contact would help with his problem, but Kyo had a way of finding him just when he thought he was alone. He always seemed to be interested in just _talking_ to him, asking him about things—often things Kaoru couldn’t see why Kyo would even remember.

“I just want to make sure I have the time right, so I can listen to your radio show while I’m traveling,” Kyo said one day. It sounded so reasonable when he said it like that it made Kaoru look, from his reaction, like he was positively unhinged.

“But you’ve never wanted to listen to it before,” Kaoru said, hoping it would explain his defensive attitude on the matter.

“Who says I haven’t?”

Kaoru just blinked at him. He didn’t know what to do other than to confirm the time he’d be on the air and then stare mutely after Kyo as he went back to work.

It was distracting, thinking again that Kyo was thinking of Kaoru while he was away, imagining that he was listening to him when he talked on the radio. He supposed Kyo was just being a supportive bandmate like always and he shouldn’t be surprised, but he still felt warm just thinking he could be on Kyo’s mind.

The distraction didn’t fade after his radio show had already happened. The Kyo static in his brain seemed only louder and fuzzier than ever as he played through rehearsal with the rest of the band. However, he wasn’t so lost in his thoughts that he missed the curious looks Die and Toshiya were giving each other.

By the end of their third rehearsal together passing in much the same way, Kaoru was as steeped in Kyo feelings as ever, and was pretty sure his bandmates had gathered something was up with him, despite his honest efforts to go about business as normal.

Sure enough, Die approached him as he was packing up his equipment, leaning in his lanky and casual way, one hip cocked as he considered Kaoru. “What’s on your mind?”

Kaoru only glanced at his face, saw briefly the intensity with which he was being studied, and looked away again. “Nothing,” he lied.

“Blatantly untrue,” Die said. “Wanna try again?”

Kaoru sighed irritably. He had figured if he was going to speak to anyone about his problem it would have to be Die. Maybe the opportunity was bestowing itself upon him and he shouldn’t turn it down. The others called out their goodbyes and left before he tried again to speak.

Pursing his lips thoughtfully for a long moment, Kaoru finally said, “I think… I may be in need of some… romantic advice.”

Die’s eyebrows ticked up. “From _me_?”

“You are the one here harassing me,” Kaoru pointed out bitterly. He wasn’t interested in adding that Die was the only person he felt he could trust with something so personal anyway.

Die nodded, his face gone soft in that way it always did when he was ready to help with something. “Did you want to talk here?”

Kaoru looked around the rehearsal space, realizing how exposed he felt there, like anyone from their lives might turn up and listen in. “Not here. Let’s go get a drink.”

Die stepped back for Kaoru to lead the way out, snatching up his jacket and bag as they headed for the door.

It almost annoyed Kaoru how quickly Die had gone from aggressive to supportive. His unquestioning willingness to listen to whatever Kaoru was dealing with made it seem that much more petty and ridiculous for it to have become an issue for Kaoru at all.

He didn’t pay that much attention to where he was going as he led them to a bar nearby where they could get a relatively private table in the back and not worry about being recognized or interrupted. He was just thinking the whole time, trying to determine how to phrase his situation to Die without embarrassing himself too deeply. Die didn’t say a word as they walked, but his eyes were on Kaoru often, watching in that nonjudgmental way he had.

Still, Kaoru waited to start their conversation until they were settled with drinks in front of them. He hated that just by pausing so long he’d already made it seem like a much bigger deal than it was. Although it _was_ actually kind of a big deal for him; his interest in Kyo was sort of all-consuming, and it was starting to impede his ability to even get work done. He needed to move past it and fast.

“How… do I get over someone?” Kaoru asked at length, not looking directly at Die.

“I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone.”

Kaoru shook his head. “I’m not. I just have some feelings that I’d rather get rid of.”

“Ah,” Die said. “Unrequited?”

“Obviously.”

“Honestly, the best way to get over someone like that is to just remove them from your life. Sever ties and stop—”

“That’s not an option,” Kaoru cut him off.

Die paused. “You’re required to see them often?”

“Pretty regularly, yes,” Kaoru said, and hoped his unease wasn’t showing too transparently.

“Someone you work with,” Die said, almost to himself. “Kaoru, is this someone I know?”

Well, damn, it certainly didn’t seem to take very long for that cat to get out. Kaoru only considered trying to lie for a few seconds before he said, “Yes, and before you ask, yes, it’s a man.”

Die made no outward reaction to this information at all. He took a sip of his beer and said, “And you need to get over him, why exactly?”

Kaoru looked at him incredulously. “It’s starting to be detrimental to my work. It’s obviously not going anywhere, and every time I think too hard about him, or, god forbid, I have to see him acting the way he does in front of a crowd—” He coughed quietly, realizing he’d said more than he meant to, and turned his attention to his drink.

“Did you try talking to him?” Die said patiently.

“Of course not,” Kaoru said. “I don’t want things to change between us. I don’t want to treat him any differently because of how I feel, and I don’t want _him_ to treat _me_ any differently because he _knows_ how I feel. I don’t want his pity.”

Die frowned slightly at that. “How do you think he might treat you differently?”

“I’m worried it’s already happening.” Kaoru didn’t take the time to censor himself anymore as he went on, “Like the other day when he brought us all Starbucks, I could tell something I said pissed him off, but he didn’t even tell me off for it, and I’m afraid he just felt sorry for me.”

Die’s head tilted, his hair falling around his face. “Which day was that?”

Kaoru couldn’t blame him for his confusion—Kyo had been bringing coffee pretty often lately—but he also wasn’t sure how much the detail mattered.

“Before he left, the day of the meeting,” Kaoru said. “You were sitting right next to him chatting the whole time, he didn’t say anything to you about me making an idiot of myself?” 

“Kyo,” Die said, apparently just clarifying. He shook his head.

“Considerate of him,” Kaoru muttered. “Not that surprising, I gues.”

“But he also certainly didn’t bring me Starbucks.”

Now it was Kaoru’s turn to be confused. “Yes, he did. That day, and the next day. He’d been bringing it a lot before he left.”

Die gave him a look he couldn’t quite place. “Not for me.”

“Why would he single you out?”

“Seriously?” Now Die was looking like he thought Kaoru was awfully stupid. “He doesn’t bring coffee for anyone else in the band. I’m not the one he’s singling out here.”

What did that mean? Kyo was sucking up to Kaoru as band leader? Kaoru couldn’t make sense of what Die was saying, and decided to just ignore it. “Do you have any advice or not?”

“Sure I do,” Die said. “Open your eyes and tell Kyo how you feel. Yeah, it might change things between you, but you know he’d rather you were honest with him. He’d always rather people were honest.”

“That’s not what I’m looking for,” Kaoru said.

Die sighed, shaking his head again. “You’re as stubborn as he is.”

“Thanks for listening anyway,” Kaoru said. With that, he skillfully changed the subject to some nitpicking on the intro of a song they’d rehearsed earlier in the day, and kept further musings about Kyo and how to get over him to himself.

It was a little bit puzzling, Die’s total non-reaction to what seemed like a pretty big deal to Kaoru. Had he been more obvious with his feelings than he’d realized and given himself away so Die already knew? And what was Die trying to say about Kyo singling someone out? Kaoru was sure he was completely socially inept as he mulled over his entire brief conversation with Die and still felt lost. He did manage to develop some fancy new anxieties though, as he tried to put pieces together and wondered if Die was hinting that Kyo was aiming to leave the band.

None of this jumbled worrying was remotely productive, so he went back to his original plan of getting Kyo out of his system. He didn’t know how to go about it other than to do all the same things he normally did after a breakup, diving into his work, immersing himself in new music. He scoped people out at bars, just to be sure he still could. He purposefully thought of himself as his own entity, separate as both a man and an artist from the rest of the band.

Maybe it was working, too—until Kyo came back from his business with sukekiyo, and Kaoru was forced to remember how hopeless the very thought of not being in love with Kyo was. He supposed he should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.

But Kyo seemed so _warm_ as Kaoru looked at him across the room, and when Toshiya said something to him, Kyo’s laugh seemed to reverberate through Kaoru’s bones. Kaoru tried not to look at him at all. Through their whole rehearsal he just avoided eye contact as much as he could, but still Kyo came to talk to him at the end of the day, and he was _smiling_.

Little thoughts nagged at him once again, trying to suggest that Kyo just wanted something from him, or he was planning on fully moving on from Dir en grey, devoting himself entirely to sukekiyo and dissolving everything they’d made together in the past twenty years. Kaoru didn’t think he could stand to hear it.

Tossing out a quick, “What’s going on?” Kaoru turned his attention off his vocalist, and onto getting his jacket on instead, already planning the route that would allow him to escape the building as fast as possible.

“Nothing,” Kyo said, shaking his head. “You guys sound very cohesive; it’s a good feeling when I’m singing. I can tell you must have worked hard getting it all to come together.”

Kaoru paused, slightly taken aback by the rare praise, and then nodded. “Thank you, we all put in a lot of work.”

“And did you work on something new as well?”

“Something new?”

“We talked about it, remember?” Kyo looked ever so minutely disappointed. “You’d said you might be bringing in some new music to work on. I was excited to hear it.”

Kaoru frowned, remembering the conversation they’d had before Kyo had left, how Kyo had said he always paid attention when it was Kaoru’s music… “Right,” he said, still avoiding eye contact. “I guess we messed around with a couple things.”

“Maybe I can hear them at the next rehearsal?” Kyo’s head tipped to one side.

“Maybe. We still have a lot of preparation to do for the tour, so new stuff isn’t really our priority right now.”

Even without looking at him, Kaoru could tell Kyo was pissed off by that answer. A kind of chill radiated off him in little waves, and there was a stillness to everything surrounding them.

“‘New stuff isn’t our priority’,” Kyo repeated tonelessly. “You’re kidding, right?”

Kaoru didn’t chance a look at his face as he cleared his throat and shook his head. “There are things we should be focusing on first.”

“Do you want us to be stuck in the past forever?” Kyo’s voice was unsettlingly low, almost a growl. “Every time I’m trying to move us forward it’s like you’d rather just put a stop to it and keep us from growing. We can’t just keep plodding along in circles like this, Kao.”

“When we have time,” Kaoru said, knowing there was no substance to it at all. An upcoming tour was hardly an excuse to put new music on the back burner. He was being incredibly selfish. He knew perfectly well how much it meant to Kyo to always be working on new things, pushing boundaries and making things they’d never made before. That was always the priority for him.

Kyo was right. Kaoru just wasn’t at a point where he could reveal new music to Kyo when it was music he’d poured so much of his emotion into. He couldn’t offer it up for Kyo’s voice when he knew how much of the feeling behind it from his own end was centered around Kyo himself. He couldn’t let himself be that vulnerable.

Kyo’s jaw kind of clicked back and forth but he didn’t say anything else, instead walking off and leaving Kaoru feeling like he’d started digging his own grave.

At the next rehearsal Kyo didn’t speak to Kaoru at all, and his bad mood was perfectly evident to the whole band. Die kept shooting Kaoru these worried glances, obviously blaming him for the whole group’s discomfort. Kaoru supposed he deserved that, for how selfishly he was keeping them from working on new material. If he could just get over Kyo, none of this would be a problem anymore.

Kaoru returned the favor, doing his best to ignore Kyo (as much as that was possible, what with him being the band’s vocalist and the center of attention the majority of the time). The tour was fast approaching, and maybe they could just leave each other alone and Kaoru’s feelings could lessen naturally.

Or maybe he would continue suffering, horribly aware of the pain in his chest every time he looked at Kyo and didn’t see him smiling back.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did y'all know it's officially been a year since I uploaded my first fic(s) to ao3? Time flies! How wild is that?  
> I wanted to say how much I've really come to love and appreciate all of you (including my silent readers!) and the community that we have here. You guys are great and I care so much about you and hope you are all well and that you will always let me know if there's anything I can do to help your lives improve.  
> That said, here is your Kk, please enjoy~

By the fourth day of trying to keep his distance from Kyo, Kaoru couldn’t tell whether he wanted to beg for forgiveness or quit the band altogether. 

He came home to his apartment after rehearsal, miserable and defeated, and hardly paused to change out of his shoes before he was lighting up a cigarette and heading to the kitchen for a beer. He’d never been great at finding healthy stress relief techniques, but what worked for him worked well enough.

He came back into the living room and sat heavily on the sofa. Looking down at the coffee table, he spotted the copy of the film Kyo had recommended to him forever ago—the one he _still_ hadn’t managed to watch—and let out a sigh. This was all his fault. Kyo had done so much to be friendly to him, and he had hurt him in return, just out of selfishness.

He sat there staring until he’d finished his cigarette and most of his beer, not really aware of the passage of time. He was running chord progressions through his head without meaning to, feeling like it was something he’d heard in adream, rather than something he was coming up with.

When the percussion came in, he was surprised by how clearly he could hear it, but he enjoyed the solidity of the beat. It was gone as quickly as it had come and his brow furrowed. It took him another several seconds to realize the percussion had actually been a knock at his front door.

Instead of getting up to open it, he leaned back and took another swig of his beer. At the next knock (louder and less pleasantly rhythmic than the first), he closed his eyes and called out, “It’s open!”

When he opened his eyes again, Kyo was walking through his living room towards the kitchen, carrying a bag of takeout and frowning deeply.

Kaoru would have thought he was imagining him if he hadn’t been able to smell the food so distinctly—Chinese, from one of his favorite nearby places. Somehow his brain thought to be a bit astonished that Kyo would remember, even though he was mostly just astonished that Kyo was in his apartment at all. It wasn’t something that had honestly occurred many times in the past.

“What are you doing?” Kaoru asked lamely as Kyo came back to stand in front of the couch.

“If you’re not going to watch the movie I told you to watch on your own, I figured I’d better come over and _make_ you watch it,” Kyo said simply. His gaze moved over Kaoru and fell on the blu-ray on the coffee table. “Ah, look at that, convenient.” He picked it up and held it in front of Kaoru’s face.

Kaoru blinked before deciding to glare. He had no choice but to go on the defensive, never one to put up with being called out. “You can’t just show up,” he said, pushing Kyo’s hand away.

“No? What am I supposed to do instead then?” Kyo asked. “I’ve tried talking to you at the studio and you just blow me off. And now you’ve started straight-up ignoring me. What, you thought I wouldn't notice?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kaoru said. He finished off his beer and set the bottle on the end table beside the couch. “You’ve come barging into my home and you’re yelling at me; that’s pretty hard to ignore.”

“This is not yelling,” Kyo said, and it was true. His voice was even, and though the tone was heated, he still seemed calm. “I _can_ yell, if it will get you to actually listen to me.”

“What are you talking about? I listen to you all the time!” Kaoru said, pushing himself up and standing with his arms crossed defensively over his chest.

“And you don’t hear a damn thing!” Kyo said, his eyes full of fire.

“You know what? Get out of here,” Kaoru said. “You can just leave.”

“No!” Kyo held up the blu-ray again. “I’m not leaving.”

“Yes, you are,” Kaoru said, snatching the case from his hand and tossing it aside to the floor. “It’s _my_ house, and I will remove you if necessary.”

Kyo held his ground, his jaw set defiantly.

Kaoru hated that he wanted to kiss him. He hated that that jaw was perfect and that Kyo was perfect, and that this passion was just another thing that made him so attractive. He stepped forward and put his hands on Kyo’s shoulders to start guiding him towards the door—

Instead Kyo grabbed both of Kaoru’s wrists and pushed him back into the couch.

Kaoru gasped and tried to push back, but was only reminded how ridiculously fucking ripped Kyo was. Fighting his hold was probably hopeless.

“Let go of me!” Kaoru snarled.

“Stop trying to get rid of me!”

“Why are you doing this?!”

“Because I’m not going to give up on you; I’m not going to let you just push me away!”

“I’m not pushing you away,” Kaoru said, pushing him away. To Kaoru’s surprise, Kyo let himself be pushed, and in what was presumably a distracted moment for Kyo, Kaoru managed to twist around and get a hold of Kyo’s wrists instead, shoving him backwards until he fell, half-pinned against the coffee table. Still, he only struggled a little, considering that Kaoru was sure, with Kyo’s strength, he could easily throw him off if he decided to.

This was not a position Kaoru had meant to get into with him. He could feel Kyo’s chest rising and falling under him. Kyo’s skin where Kaoru was holding his wrists seemed hot to the touch, like it might burn him if he didn’t let go, and everything in him was screaming. He couldn’t sustain this kind of contact for long.

“You always do this,” Kaoru said, and Kyo was much too close to his face. “You can never just let it go. Why do you have to be so stubborn?”

“In general, or in this case specifically?” If Kyo hadn’t been yelling before, now he was practically whispering.

Kaoru shook his head. “Even now, you won’t let things be easy. Why? Why do you have to make everything so _hard_?”

Just like that, Kyo looked pissed again, his teeth bared as he said, “Gee, Kao, I don’t know. Maybe I’m trying to make it hard for you to pull away from me and eliminate anything between us because I’m _fucking in love with you_ , and I’m not willing to lose you like that!”

“You… what?” Kaoru knew he should move away. He should let go of Kyo’s wrists and give him space to breathe, but he couldn’t seem to do anything but tighten his grip.

“You heard me,” Kyo said, squirming slightly. “But no matter what I try to do to show you we could be good together, you're always so determined to move even further away from me.”

“I’m pretty close to you right now,” Kaoru said.

Kyo snorted. “With considerable effort on my part.”

“This… this is what you wanted?” Kaoru murmured, letting himself lean in another couple centimeters, his nose almost brushing Kyo’s.

“Of course I had, in my naiveté, imagined us on a bed, but…”

“You knew.”

“I suspected,” Kyo said. His lower lip disappeared briefly between his teeth. “I had hoped you would get to where you could be direct with me. Unfortunately you took it in the other direction. I guess I should have seen that coming.”

“You weren’t exactly direct with me either,” Kaoru said. “I’ve seen you reject so many people over the years, I just… didn’t want to be the next in the line.”

“I was just waiting for the right person to come around,” Kyo said pointedly.

“Well, I’m a bit dense, you know. You could have said something.”

“I said a lot of things, if you’d been paying attention. In the end I told you in plain language, didn’t I?”

“You did,” Kaoru admitted.

“So, do I get rewarded for that?” Kyo’s face changed, a mischievous smirk settling itself there.

“What did you have in mind?”

“I think with our positions being what they are, it’s more a question of what _you_ have in mind.”

Kaoru’s breath caught in his chest. Kyo had maneuvered himself under him and was blatantly and deliberately offering himself up to Kaoru’s will. He’d fought to _get_ there, but now he was delivering his control into Kaoru’s hands, practically gift-wrapping it, and there was so much trust combined with so much heat in Kyo’s eyes that Kaoru almost let go of Kyo and backed all the way off, thrown and intimidated by Kyo’s lackadaisical intensity.

Instead, he closed the last slight distance between them, immediately catching Kyo’s full lower lip between his teeth and tugging until Kyo breathed out the softest and most wary of moans, lifting his head as much as he could to kiss Kaoru’s mouth properly.

Kyo kissed with his whole self, and with his wrists still pinned on either side of him, he was struggling continuously, straining against Kaoru’s hold on him, trying to pull him _closer_. It didn’t take long at all for one of Kyo’s legs to hook around behind Kaoru, dragging his weight down on top of him, his hips pushing up from the coffee table.

Kaoru was somewhat shocked when he realized he had already started grinding himself against Kyo, movements almost desperate as he kept up his explorations of Kyo’s mouth.

When Kyo started actually sucking on his tongue, the action unmistakably lewd, Kaoru almost lost it, his brain static coming back in such loud and full force that he couldn’t form thoughts for several seconds. Finally he (somewhat reluctantly) let go of Kyo’s wrists, and pushed himself up enough to get his hands on Kyo’s belt instead, unbuckling it swiftly and moving right on to Kyo’s pants without pause.

Kyo wasn’t helping, but he wasn’t exactly being unhelpful either. He stayed right where Kaoru put him, left his hands on the table as if he were still pinned, and watched between them as Kaoru worked his jeans down his hips and thighs, off his legs. He smirked in amusement when Kaoru hesitated to remove his boxers as well, and rolled his hips encouragingly, his hard cock straining against the material of his underwear.

Kaoru got into a more comfortable position, kneeling on the floor at the end of the coffee table, and took a moment to breathe before he went any further with this. He knew if he actually got to the point where he was presented with Kyo’s dick right in front of him, it would all be over and there would be no going back, and he needed to be prepared for that. 

Just as he could tell Kyo was starting to get concerned, Kaoru hooked his fingers in the waistband of Kyo’s boxers, and pulled them down and off, letting his cock spring free. Half a second later, he’d surprised them both by taking half of it into his mouth.

Kyo was thick enough that Kaoru’s mouth felt stretched and he struggled to keep his teeth covered as he slid lower, but Kyo didn’t seem to mind, only letting out what had to be classified as a whimper as Kaoru pulled back off. 

Focusing on lapping at the head for now, Kaoru took up stroking Kyo with one hand, a bit stunned by the heat of him, burning against Kaoru’s palm in the same way his wrists had, only tenfold. The taste was intoxicating, but no more than the sounds Kyo was emitting, fragmented little things that made Kaoru’s head spin. His tongue flicked over Kyo’s slit while he pressed his thumb just below his cockhead, rubbing slow circles against that sensitive spot until Kyo was letting out the most beautiful groan and precum was painting Kaoru’s lips.

Kaoru looked up through his lashes to watch Kyo as he sank down on his length again, his hand moving to roll Kyo’s balls in his palm. He was gorgeous like this, his head tipped back, lips parted, hands struggling to keep still against the coffee table—

Until one hand seemed to get a mind of its own, drifting along Kyo’s chest, pushing his shirt up and then playing over one dark nipple, pinching and tugging until it was a hard peak. There was something almost disturbingly erotic about it, especially when accompanied by the sounds of Kyo’s heavy breathing, and of Kaoru properly sucking Kyo’s dick. Kyo bit his lip as his hand moved to the other nipple, starting to give it much the same treatment.

Kaoru lost his patience rather abruptly. He pulled off of Kyo’s cock with a wet pop and grabbed Kyo’s wandering hand, slamming his wrist roughly back against the table, causing Kyo to cry out and look at him with wide eyes.

“Did I say you could move your hand?” Kaoru hissed.

A breath shuddered out of Kyo and he shook his head, his eyes still locked on Kaoru’s. After a small hesitation he said, “You never said I couldn’t.”

“I didn’t realize I had to spell out something for you that was so obvious,” Kaoru said, squeezing Kyo’s wrist a bit harder. He was struck again by how easy it would be for Kyo to shove him off if he wanted to, and his arousal was only growing at how willingly Kyo was staying in place just for him. 

“I want to hear it,” Kyo said softly. “I want you to say what you want.”

Kaoru studied Kyo’s face, relaxing his grip on his wrist. There was a seriousness there, underneath the lust, and Kaoru could see that this was important to Kyo, that this was what he had wanted all along, for Kaoru to be direct with him. Nodding slowly, he said, “I want you to stay here, like this. Let me… Let me make you feel good.”

With a flicker of a smile, Kyo seemed to melt against the table, all the struggle going out of him. His head tipped back again, exposing his neck in a gesture of submission, and Kaoru took the offering, leaning down at once to bite and lick at the column of flesh.

It only took one unconscious roll of Kyo’s hips for Kaoru to decide what he needed most, and his hands moved to get his pants undone in record time. He pushed them down with his briefs and yanked Kyo to the edge of the table, getting him positioned so he could press their erections together, shivering at the contact. He held Kyo firmly, one hand on his hip, one on his shoulder as he moved against him, and he was sure nothing had ever felt so right.

He could tell Kyo wanted to be touching him, but was determinedly leaving his hands where they’d been placed, and he enjoyed watching them twitch restlessly for a few moments before taking mercy on Kyo. “Put your hands on me.”

In an instant, Kyo’s hands were on Kaoru’s shoulders, fingers digging into his shirt. His hips moved in tandem with Kaoru’s, apparently unbothered by the slight awkwardness of their positions. He sighed as his slick cock dragged deliciously against Kaoru’s, already ruddy at the tip with his need to cum.

Kaoru moved his hand from Kyo’s shoulder to wrap around both of their cocks, stroking them off together, his eyes focused on what he was doing. There was something beautiful about how they fit against each other, something natural about it, though he wasn’t able to dwell on the thought for long as Kyo’s hips started jerking upward more erratically.

“Oh, Kaoru—” Kyo’s head was thrown back, his eyes shut tight. “Tell—Tell me what you— _ohh god, yes_ …”

Kaoru hadn’t ever expected to get to see Kyo like this, so close he was barely able to form words, and the knowledge that he had been the one to bring him to this point had him moaning. “Cum for me,” he whispered, licking his lips as his hand sped up its strokes. “Get your cum all over my cock.” 

The command seemed to be what threw Kyo over the edge and he let out a half-strangled curse as he thrust up into Kaoru’s fist and came, thick spurts of it coating Kaoru’s fingers and his achingly hard erection, some landing across Kyo’s hip.

Surely, the visual would have been enough to get him off, but combined with the sound and the feel and everything at once, Kaoru was only a minute behind Kyo, grunting lowly as he lost himself over Kyo’s abdomen. He stayed hunched over him, panting, trying to piece his mind back together after what had happened, only really snapping out of it when he felt Kyo’s lips moving gently along his jawline.

“Kao… You with me?” Kyo’s voice seemed far away and impossibly close at the same time, and Kaoru took great efforts to get his focus back where it should be, finally blinking enough to see Kyo smiling up at him in a sleepy kind of way.

“I am,” Kaoru said, unable to keep himself from smiling back. He scooted back and let Kyo down off the table, so they could sit side by side, leaning back against the front of the couch. “I… I’m glad you came.”

Kyo smirked wickedly at him. “I’m glad you came too.”

Kaoru rolled his eyes and supposed he’d walked right into that one. “You know what I meant. I don’t think… I would have been able to tell you how I felt, without your… persistence.”

“Technically, I think you still haven’t told me how you feel,” Kyo said coolly.

Kaoru stared at him and realized he was right. He still hadn’t said it. Maybe he’d even thought he was going to get away with not saying it at all. How could it still be so difficult after what they’d just shared? He opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

“I’ll help you, just this once,” Kyo said, wrapping his arms tightly around Kaoru’s middle and leaning in close. “I love you, Kaoru.”

Kaoru swallowed, letting himself feel secure in how he was being held. “I love you, too,” he managed quietly.

He could feel Kyo’s smile against his neck as he was squeezed tighter for a moment, and then Kyo was pushing himself up. “Come along, then. I think a shower is in order.”

“Together?” Kaoru let Kyo help him to his feet as well, but left his pants in a little heap on the floor.

“Worried we won’t fit?” Kyo raised an eyebrow.

“No, I’m just… not used to that kind of, well, intimacy,” Kaoru said awkwardly.

“Get used to it,” Kyo said with a shrug and started down the hall to the bathroom. “Dinner’s waiting for us in your fridge, and don’t think I’ve forgotten about the movie we’re going to watch.”

“You’ve got the whole evening planned out,” Kaoru said, following after him.

“Tonight only,” Kyo said. “From here on, I expect you to start pulling your weight in the date-planning department.”

Kaoru didn’t even know how to respond to that. Planning dates? With _Kyo_? He definitely had his work cut out for him. He supposed falling for Kyo really had been the easy part, but that didn’t mean the hard work wouldn’t be worth it, and he’d have no problem giving it his all, knowing that Kyo loved him back.


End file.
